


One Night in Gadgetzan (Makes a Hard Gnome Humble)

by Mice



Series: Sea Change [9]
Category: World of Warcraft
Genre: Explosions, GOBLIN WEDDING, Humor, M/M, mathias shaw is a lightweight, the crew of the Bold Arva - Freeform
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-09-12
Updated: 2020-09-12
Packaged: 2021-03-07 00:35:04
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 7,605
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/26427961
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Mice/pseuds/Mice
Summary: Mathias's brow wrinkled and he gave Flynn a suspicious look. "And why would we be going to Gadgetzan?"Grinning brightly, Flynn held up a brilliantly colored, garishly decorated piece of paper. "Two words: goblin wedding!"
Relationships: Flynn Fairwind/Mathias Shaw
Series: Sea Change [9]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1875685
Comments: 38
Kudos: 73





	One Night in Gadgetzan (Makes a Hard Gnome Humble)

**Author's Note:**

> with thanks to the possibly terrifying ShortSightedOwl for the ideas

Flynn was cackling when he came through their door, looking excessively pleased with himself.

"What's got you in a mood?" Mathias asked. He'd been going over their household accounts for the month and making notes about things that needed to be done. He'd had to add an item for food and stable costs for Flynn's riding parrot after their last unfortunate adventure.

Flynn paused, fishing around in his belt pouch. "We? Are going to Gadgetzan."

Mathias's brow wrinkled and he gave Flynn a suspicious look. "And why would we be going to Gadgetzan?"

Grinning brightly, Flynn held up a brilliantly colored, garishly decorated piece of paper. "Two words: goblin wedding!"

Mathias blinked. "Excuse me, what?"

"Goblin wedding!" Flynn crowed. "Grixx and Relly are getting married, and we're invited!"

"In Gadgetzan."

"Grixx wants a traditional goblin wedding and Relly's on board for it. Gadgetzan's good because they'll be able to do it up with all the bling there, and Noggenfogger's an old friend of hers. Claims he'll give her 'a slight discount.'" Flynn grinned. "They're both really excited. They'd love to have you there."

Mathias wasn't certain if he wanted to ask what a 'traditional goblin wedding' entailed. He was kind of afraid to find out. "And when is this extravaganza of goblinity?"

"Next week. If we set sail tomorrow, we'll be there in time. Grixx and Relly are already there and Grixx's family's got the whole thing in motion."

"And what, pray tell, should I expect at this 'traditional wedding'?" Mathias asked, intensely skeptical of the entire project.

"Oh, goblin weddings are fantastic!" Flynn strolled over and dropped himself in the chair across the table from Mathias. "You'll love it. We'll have a great time. But I don't want to spoil the surprise."

Somehow, Mathias doubted he was going to 'love it,' but he did like Flynn's crew. They were a remarkably competent bunch. "If I'm going, I'll need to talk to Anduin. He may not be able to let me go. We're still trying to find Sylvanas." And if that wasn't frustrating, nothing would be.

Flynn shrugged. "Seems like a lack of progress probably means you're not missing much. You should go ask him tonight. We need to set out early-ish tomorrow if you're coming." He gave Mathias a pleading look. Mathias was not good at resisting that look. "You'll come, won't you? Please? They really did ask for you." He slid the paper across the table toward Mathias.

There in black and… a multicolored nightmare was Mathias's name, right under Flynn's, joined by an intricate, overly ornate ampersand. It didn't look like an afterthought.

Mathias sighed. "All right, I'll head over to the Keep and see what Anduin says."

Flynn's face brightened into a grin. "You won't regret it, love."

Mathias wasn't so sure about that, but he figured he could roll with it. He was actually a little bit flattered that they'd bothered to invite him. He'd been 'officially' adopted into the crew the first time they'd sailed together, but that sort of thing tended to be purely symbolic and he hadn't expected them to genuinely regard him as a part of the little family Flynn had created out of the mismatched group.

He gave Flynn a kiss on his way out the door and made his way up to the Keep.

***

"Master Shaw?" Anduin looked up from his dinner. He blinked. "Mathias?"

Mathias wasn't in armor. It was unheard of for him to show up looking like this, and quite possibly unforgivable, as well. He found himself vaguely embarrassed by the whole thing. "Forgive me for the interruption at this hour and in this condition, Anduin, but… well… Flynn just got home and said that we were invited to what he called a 'traditional goblin wedding' in Gadgetzan. It's two of his crewmembers, and they've specifically requested my presence. I suspect they'll be insulted if I don't go. Unfortunately, if I'm going to travel with Flynn, we have to leave tomorrow morning to get to Gadgetzan in time."

"A… traditional goblin wedding?" Anduin said.

Mathias shrugged. "I know. I have no idea what that means. I'm almost afraid to find out."

Anduin nodded, looking vaguely appalled. "I imagine it'll involve a lot of explosions."

"I think we can count on that," Mathias said, grim.

"Did Flynn say anything about it?" Anduin eyed him suspiciously.

Mathias shook his head. "He said he didn't want to spoil the surprise," he muttered gloomily. 

Anduin's face made a shape like he was attempting to hold back laughter. It didn't last long, though, before it burst out of him. He laughed hysterically for almost a minute before he leaned down over his dinner, gasping for breath, slapping the table with one hand and giggling into his plate. "Go!" Anduin gasped. "Go -- but you're required to give me a full report when you get home, assuming you survive!" He waved Mathias out of the room, still giggling.

Freed from his duties for the moment, Mathias wondered what one did at a goblin wedding. Did it require gifts? Probably. Every wedding he'd ever been to -- well, every wedding he'd had to act as security for -- seemed to require them. He made his way down into the Dwarven District to find something suitably … suitable.

Eventually, Mathias found himself in a tiny bookshop called Porethos's Engineering Delights. Literally tiny. He'd had to duck to get in, and the proprietor was a gnome who looked up at him and said, "My, you're a tall one." Given that gnomes were the only people over the age of about fifteen who ever seemed to consider him tall, he sighed and crossed his arms over his chest. "How may I assist you this evening?" the bookseller asked.

"I'm looking for something that would be suitable for a wedding gift."

The gnome, presumably Porethos, waggled his mustache. It was a pretty impressive edifice, but gnomish men did tend to go for over the top follicles. This one was an eye-shattering shade of green, as was his desperately balding hair. "Given that you have arrived in my establishment, I believe it is safe to assume that it involves either engineers or gnomes."

Mathias nodded. "Yes, one of them's a gnome." He wasn't going to note that the other was a goblin, because a lot of gnomes got a bit twitchy about that sort of thing.

"Well," Porethos said, chipper, "I must then ask if you are a friend of the family, or simply an auxiliary guest."

He had no idea what an auxiliary guest was but, given his status as 'crew' of the _Arva_ , he suspected it was the former. "Friend of the family?" he ventured, hesitant.

"Delightful!" Porethos ducked into the stacks, which Mathias didn't think he'd have fit between, and began digging around. The gnome spent fifteen minutes or so pulling books from the shelves, flipping through them, shaking his head, and putting them back. Finally, he found one that seemed to satisfy him. "Yes," he muttered, and brought the volume to Mathias, holding it up to him. "This is a suitable treasure for a wedding gift, and only twenty gold."

Mathias found himself holding a copy of _Explosions and How to Make Them_. He'd heard of the book, though he'd never actually seen it before. When he opened the cover and discovered it was a first edition, he looked back at Porethos. "I'll take it. Can you wrap it up?" The book was sufficiently rare to be worth the gold, he could afford it, and he hoped that the couple would appreciate the gesture.

"Of course, of course! You have excellent taste. I've been saving this one for an appropriate occasion. Very rare. I'm sure it will be treasured for generations to come." He dug around in his desk for a few moments and then proceeded to fold the book into a neat package with wrapping paper that was nearly as garish as the wedding invitation had been. Mathias put the gold on the counter and Porethos handed him the package. "Felicitations to the fortunate couple!" he said. "Have a most enjoyable evening."

***

Mathias accompanied Flynn and his crew into Gadgetzan a few days later. Flynn had talked him into wearing civilian clothes. He'd brought his armor just in case, though.

"It's a wedding! What could possibly go wrong?" Flynn had asked.

Mathias's emphatic "Never ask that question" didn't go over well.

Gadgetzan was packed. There was someone at the gate from the docks into the city hawking tickets and Mathias would have passed them by but Flynn stopped and showed the goblin their invitation. "That'll be two hundred gold each!" the goblin said.

"Nonsense, I'm the happy couple's Captain! We're Official Friends of the Family," Flynn insisted. He pointed to the fine print on the invitation. "The same goes for the rest of my crew, here." He gestured to everyone from the _Arva_.

"Oh, well, in that case, it's just one hundred fifty a head," the goblin said. Mathias gave him a suspicious look, but Flynn paid for two tickets and handed one to Mathias.

"Don't lose that," Flynn said. Mathias stared at him. "No, _really._ Don't lose it."

"Wait, we have to get _tickets_ to go to the wedding?" Mathias asked in disbelief.

"It's goblins," Flynn said, looking at him like he'd grown another head. "Of course you have to get a ticket. This is a really good deal, too." He waved his ticket at Mathias. "Noggenfogger must actually like Grixx to give us that big a discount."

By this point, Mathias was resigned to just letting things flow. Flynn led them all to the Road Warrior Inn, where the crew was supposed to meet Grixx and Relly. The festivities themselves would start the next afternoon with what Flynn had described as The Presentation of the Couple, which was apparently some kind of a parade. He'd not given Mathias a single other detail about the wedding at all.

The inn was crowded with people of every description. Flynn looked around and Mathias saw him brighten as he saw someone. He and Mathias stopped, but the rest of the crew continued into the crowd.

"Oi, Joluun!" Flynn waved and a big draenei turned his head. The draenei grinned a crooked grin when he saw Flynn.

"Fairwind! It is good to see you again, my friend!" Joluun greeted him with both arms thrown in the air, and slapped Flynn's back. "Are you here for the wedding? I am told it is going to be the event of the season!"

"Yeah, the happy couple are part of my crew. What are you doing here? I would have thought you'd be off on the wind looking for work?" 

Mathias watched the conversation bounce between them. The draenei gave Flynn a smug look. "It turns out that arranging drinking contests is a very lucrative business in this town. Much safer than the whole Paladin thing, really. The goblins take their cut, of course, but there are always adventurers with something to prove." He shrugged. "I bought a little place a few streets over. It is a living."

"Ha! That's great! Say, whatever happened to Marcus after he slid under the table?"

Joluun smiled and shook his head. "Once he sobered up he talked me into taking him home. I do believe we saw the Light."

Flynn laughed. "Oh, Tides, yes. He'll do that." Mathias cleared his throat. Flynn looked at him. "Ah, yeah! Joluun, mate, this is my matelot, Mathias." Flynn slipped an arm around Mathias's shoulder and held him close.

"It is a pleasure to meet you, Mathias," Joluun said.

Mathias nodded. "Likewise." He elbowed Flynn. "Grixx and Relly?"

"Oh, oh! Yeah, we have to go find our friends. It was great to see you, Joluun, and good luck with the drunks!"

They threaded their way deeper into the inn, where they found Grixx and Relly and most of the crew at one of the tables near the back, surrounded by what Mathias assumed were family members.

"Flynn! Shaw! You both came!" Grixx chirped.

Relly grinned and nodded. "It's an extraordinary delight. My pookie and I were not certain you would actually grace us with your company, Shaw."

"How's everything going?" Flynn asked.

"Oh, it's the best! We're so excited!" Grixx bounced to her feet and dashed around the table to wrap both of them in a hug. "Let us introduce you to the family!"

They spent the next hour being introduced to a crowd of people and having oddly obsessive conversations with the crew of the _Arva_ and the goblins and gnomes that were all seated at the table. It was… interesting, and rather less volatile than Mathias had expected. Both families seemed to be getting along with a minimum of friction.

"Is your speech prepared for after The Presentation, Flynn?" Relly asked.

Flynn nodded. "I've got the story all picked out."

Grixx grinned. "Ooooh, tell us which one!" 

"You know I can't do that! It has to be a surprise."

There was a general mutter of assent from the goblin side of the family. "You can't ruin the surprise," Grixx's father said. That, unfortunately, seemed to be the theme of the whole event. Surprises. Mathias did _not_ like surprises.

Eventually, Flynn backed them out of the conversation, much to Mathias's relief. "Do you want to go explore the city a little?" Flynn asked.

"I'm familiar with it," Mathias responded.

"Doesn't mean you might not like to go for a bit of a walk. Or a drink. Or to catch the fights at the Thunderdrome." Mathias sighed and nodded, resigned. It seemed slightly less fraught than listening to debates about the merits of gnome versus goblin engineering. "Fantastic!" Flynn said, and bounced out of the inn like a pup off the leash. If there hadn't been so much concrete evidence that Flynn had once actually _been_ a pirate captain, he'd never have believed it possible. "You doing okay?" Flynn asked, turning another corner in the maze of goblin buildings.

Mathias shrugged as they walked the dusty streets. "Honestly? I feel naked without my armor."

Flynn snorted. "Oh, please. Even if you _were_ naked, you'd still be the most dangerous thing in the entire area. Do you really think there's anybody here you couldn't take in your sleep, with one hand tied behind your back?"

Mathias thought about it for a moment. "Well… no, not really." The thought was vaguely comforting, actually. "You're right. I'll just stay alert."

"That's the spirit!" Flynn gave him a brilliant, charming grin.

All around them, goblins were hawking wedding tickets to adventurers and travelers who were passing through, "at the super extra cheap rate of only three hundred fifty gold!" What surprised him was how many adventurers were actually shelling it out for a ticket.

Before Mathias knew it, Flynn had been distracted by a streetcorner dice game. While he wanted Flynn to have fun, dice really didn't interest him, so he told Flynn he'd meet him back at the Road Warrior in an hour or so for dinner. Flynn expressed vague agreement as he whispered to the dice in his hands, and Mathias headed off for a wander.

He watched the fight in progress at the Thunderdrome for a few minutes, but everyone's technique was so sloppy that there was no pleasure in it for him. With a sigh, he stuck his hands in his pockets and sauntered on. The experience of just walking around without his armor was strange. He occasionally did it with Flynn in Stormwind but he couldn't remember the last time he'd done it away from the city when he wasn't in a secure location, or undercover and in disguise. Disguises, though -- most of the time he used magical ones so that he'd still be armored. He did, however, have half a dozen daggers secreted about his person just in case. You never knew.

Here in Gadgetzan, though, he was just another random face in the crowd. Everyone would have recognized him if he'd been in his armor. The anonymity was… almost pleasant.

That quiet almost pleasantness was broken not long after, though, when a familiar voice hissed, "Shaw?" He looked to his left and saw Marin Noggenfogger, who ran the town, poking his nose out of his office. Noggenfogger dashed out, grabbed Mathias's elbow, and dragged him into the building.

"Noggenfogger? What do you want?"

"Shaw, what are _you_ doing here? Are you undercover or something? If you are, why aren't you in disguise?" Noggenfogger looked up at him suspiciously, eyes narrowed.

"Would you believe I'm on holiday?"

Noggenfogger snorted. "No." An idea flashed behind his eyes. "Wait, is this…" He looked around suspiciously to make sure no one was nearby, then leaned in and whispered, " _Uncrowned_ business?"

Mathias sighed and rolled his eyes. "No. I'm here for the wedding."

Noggenfogger stared at him, baffled. "The we-- wait, what? You? Know people? Who get married?"

"As it happens, yes."

"How do you even know the happy couple?" Noggenfogger's confusion deepened.

"Actually, I'm a friend of the family."

The goblin's eyes went wide. "Is that a Friend of the Family, or an Official Friend of the Family?" he asked, challenging.

Mathias narrowed his eyes, leaned down, and said, " _Official._ "

Noggenfogger gasped. "No! Let me see your ticket!" Mathias reached into his pocket and produced the garish slip of paper. Noggenfogger looked up at him. "You really are. How did that happen? I mean, how do you even know Grixx? Or are you Relly's side?"

"I think I'm both, actually. They're part of the crew of the _Bold Arva_ , and her captain is my matelot, Flynn Fairwind."

The goblin slapped a hand over his face. "No way! What? You got pirate-married and nobody told me? Why did nobody tell me? Somebody on my crew is _slackin'_ and that is not acceptable!"

"It wasn't like we made an announcement, though I was fairly certain half the planet was aware by now. It's nice to know that's not actually the case."

"Well," Noggenfogger said with a shrug, "I've had my head down cookin' the books for about the last eight months or so. The war really hit the economy here pretty hard. Anyway, sit down." He pointed to a chair. 

"Ah." Mathias nodded. "That would do it." The chair was a bit small but Mathias could sort of fit half of his ass onto it. He hoped he wouldn't be there for long.

"But I gotta tell ya, this ticket?" He pointed at Mathias's ticket. "Official Friends of the Family get primo seats for the footbomb game! Only the family gets better ones. Well, and the couple, of course."

Mathias blinked. "Foot...bomb?"

Noggenfogger gave him an astonished look. "You don't know _footbomb?_ Only the best game ever to come out of Kezan! Like, that and Kaja'Cola are the two biggest goblin cultural things I can even imagine. And you didn't know?" Mathias shook his head, giving his compatriot a blank look. "Kaja'Cola! It's made with kaja'mite! The stuff that lifted goblins into sentience!" He rummaged in his desk drawer and pulled out a can, popping the top. It fizzed. Noggenfogger slurped out of it. "Oh! Oh! S.E.L.F.I.E.s, but they _move!_ " he shouted.

Mathias stared in confusion. "...What?"

Noggenfogger laughed. "Yeah, sorry. It does that. Gives ya ideas. It's great! You, my occasional reluctant ally, gotta try some." He pulled another can out of the drawer and tossed it to Mathias, who snatched it out of the air. "Careful, it's fizzy."

Mathias took the precaution of aiming the opening away from himself when he pulled on the ring. The can hissed and spat some of the stuff out, a sickly green froth. He wasn't certain he wanted to try this, but Noggenfogger was the Trade Baron here, and it wouldn't do to insult him. He sniffed.

It smelled… like fruity rocks? With a sigh, he took a sip and his face twisted into a rictus of disgust. He coughed. "Oh, Light, that's awful." He wanted to scrub his tongue.

The goblin shrugged. "Maybe humans just don't have the right taste buds or something." He reached over the desk and snatched the can out of Mathias's hand while Mathias tried to think of a polite way to get the taste out of his mouth. "Gimme that." Noggenfogger knocked the whole can back and belched. "Ohhh, that's the good stuff. Sorry you don't like it, but more for me."

"I… ah, think I should be going," Mathias said, pointing toward the door.

"Oh, yeah, yeah. If you're not here on official business, then I should let you go. I got preparation for tomorrow to deal with, myself. And hey, have fun! Weddings are always a blast!"

Noggenfogger waved him out the door. He took a minute to find a quiet corner and spit several times, trying to get the remains of the stuff off his tongue, with only limited success. After that less than thrilling experience, Mathias found himself at loose ends again. It was about time to meet with Flynn for dinner, though, so he made his way back to where he'd left the man.

As he suspected, Flynn was still there, and still rolling the dice. He stood over his lover and loomed for a few minutes, arms crossed over his chest, to see if Flynn would even notice. He didn't. Everyone else did, however, and kept giving him nervous glances.

Eventually one of the goblins poked Flynn. "Fairwind, there's a guy hanging over you. He doesn't look very friendly."

"Is he a cute redhead?" Flynn asked. Mathias blushed.

"Um… he has red hair?" 

Flynn turned his head, grinning. "Mathias! Is it dinner already?"

Mathias nodded. "Yes. Are you ready to go?"

Flynn scooped up the pile of gold coins from the dust in front of him. "It's been a pleasure, mates! Happy to take your money!" 

A troll in the group said, "Don' come back, mon. I swear, you be a child o' Jani."

He spent a moment stuffing coins into his belt pouches then turned to Mathias. "I'm hungry. Let's eat!"

"Are we meeting anyone from the crew for dinner?"

Flynn shook his head. "Not unless you really wanted to. Was hoping it could be just me and you tonight." He smiled. "My treat."

"Maybe somewhere not as crowded as the Road Warrior?" It had been packed and Mathias hadn't been comfortable with that much chaos and unpredictability.

"Hmmm," Flynn muttered, thoughtful. "I think there's an orc place that's supposed to have really amazing roast boar."

Mathias shook his head. The last thing he wanted was to be surrounded by orcs, though he had to admit, roast boar sounded good. "I'd prefer not, if it's all the same."

Flynn gave him a look. "Is it because it's run by orcs? Because if that's what you're worried about, I just want to remind you there are fewer bar fights in this town than any other neutral city in Azeroth. Anybody with a grudge takes it to the Thunderdrome, and the winner gets paid, on top of getting the satisfaction of punching their opponent in the face."

Remembering how truly amateur the fights in the Thunderdrome were, Mathias shrugged. "Roast boar with the orcs it is."

They didn't even raise an eyebrow entering the place, a hole in the wall called MorPork. Flynn surprised Mathias by ordering in Orcish, but Flynn shrugged it off. "It wasn't hard to learn how to say 'bring me roast boar and beer,' love."

"I suppose only needing a limited vocabulary does make it easier," Mathias said, thoroughly enjoying the food.

The roast boar was excellent.

*** 

The next day, Flynn dressed himself in the court clothing Mathias had got him. It was overly warm for the weather, but Flynn said he wanted to be 'fancy' because he had an actual part in the wedding. Mathias hadn't wanted to go with his own court clothes, as they really did scream 'Alliance' and he didn't want to attract that type of attention. There was also the issue of potential dust storms, and he didn't want to ruin the pristine black of the cloth. "Probably for the best," Flynn told him.

So Mathias was dressed in light linen trousers of brown, tall brown leather boots, and a creamy white loose linen shirt. He had quite a struggle leaving the _Arva_ in time, unmolested by his lover, but they did manage.

"I have to go wait on the ceremonial platform near the footbomb field, love, but you should go experience The Presentation of the Couple in all its glory." He gestured to the reserved seats below the platform. "There'll be a place down there with your name on it. Look, Thurin and Billie are already waiting!"

The platform itself was a little further along and it appeared that the family seats were on either side of the parade route, in the area closest to the platform itself. Mathias could see Marin Noggenfogger already up there, dressed in a tall top hat decorated with flashing lights, and a clashing multicolored suit. The whole thing made Mathias's eyes hurt.

They parted with a kiss, then Mathias wove his way through the crowd to where the _Arva's_ crew was gathering. Johnny looked up and waved. "Over here, Shaw!" 

"You're looking dashing today, Shaw," Bess said. She was dressed in her formal Tidesage robes, complete with a tentacled staff that Mathias found slightly disconcerting.

Mathias nodded to her. "Thanks. Which seat is mine?"

"You're between Yun and Sparks, it looks like." She pointed and Mathias found his name scribbled on the back of the chair in garish magenta ink. Thankfully, it was dry.

There were a couple of bags under each chair, marked 'OFFICIAL FRIENDS OF THE FAMILY ONLY. NOBODY ELSE TOUCHES IT. THIS MEANS YOU.' Mathias picked up one of the bags under his seat and looked inside. Glitter, apparently. Thank the Light, it wasn't anything explosive. It was, however, colorful, and unlikely to come out of anything. He'd probably be finding the stuff in his clothes for months. He assumed he was supposed to fling it at the couple as they came by.

Soon the entire street was lined with a massive variety of people. Most of them were obviously curious spectators who'd paid for a ticket to the event. Eventually, Mathias heard a band start up in the distance, and the wedding was on.

The band approached playing something that sounded like mostly horns, flutes, and some kind of tonal percussion. He could hear the sound of mechanical grinding and the crunch of mechanized footsteps as well. As they drew near, everyone closer to the music started flinging glitter everywhere. There was cheering and a great deal of jumping and arm waving going on as well. When the band came into view, he could see the percussion instruments were made out of the top halves of oil drums. Grixx and Relly were behind the musicians, piloting goblin shredders and waving gleefully to the crowd, reveling in the noise and excitement.

Determined to at least try to enjoy the festivities, Mathias started flinging glitter, along with everyone else. The breeze, of course, ended up blowing half of it back into his face. Soon it was all over him, and he was lightly dusted with the stuff everywhere. He dreaded trying to get it out of his hair and his beard and moustache, but the rest of the crew was cheering as they glittered everything in sight, including each other. Grixx and Relly flashed the crew brilliant smiles and waved cheerily at them, shouting greetings as they passed. Mathias was suddenly very glad he hadn't worn his armor. The idea of trying to get glitter out of his corset was terrifying.

When the parade arrived at the foot of the platform, a series of fireworks was launched from either side, whistling into the air and exploding in giant balls of color, expanding in the clear desert air. It was actually a nice little display, and rather tamer than Mathias had expected. He suspected that there would be more later, likely after dark, when they could be better appreciated. The couple dismounted from their shredders and ascended to the platform, where Flynn greeted both of them with enthusiastic hugs, to the cheers of the crowd.

Noggenfogger stepped forward. "And now, let's commence with the obviously ecstatic joining of Grixx Wheedleboil--" he held up a hand over Grixx's head, and everyone cheered. Mathias did, too, because why not? If he managed to ignore the glitter, which was difficult but possible, it wasn't a bad parade, really. "--and Relly Cogbinder!" His hand went up over Relly's head. There was another cheer and a massive wave of applause. Flynn caught his eye from the platform and grinned at him. Mathias smiled back.

"The happy couple's coupling will be notarized and filed as a limited corporation for financial purposes!" Noggenfogger shouted. "It's always a pleasure to welcome new entrepreneurs to the community!" There were more cheers, and some sobbing from Grixx's family members. 

"My little girl's got her own limited corporation!" Grixx's father wailed, sobbing. "I'm so proud of her!"

"And now, it is my distinct pleasure to introduce Flynn Fairwind, who will tell us a Tale of Daring and/or Ingenuity, featuring the happy couple!" Noggenfogger stepped back, gesturing broadly at Flynn as he did so, and Flynn stepped forward, beaming at the couple.

"It was Northrend," Flynn announced to the crowd, "and Relly wanted to give Grixx a frosty token of her affection -- the scales of the elusive and really _exceptionally_ dangerous frost chimaera!"

The crowd ooohed.

Flynn proceeded to tell a convoluted story that sounded about eighty-five percent elekk excrement, from what Mathias could tell, involving spear guns, tuskarr, and a ravening flock of attack penguins that had both Grixx and Relly nodding along and adding details as he went. While Mathias believed barely a word of it, he had to admit that Flynn spun an engaging tale. He had the crowd eating it up and laughing through most of it. Even Mathias couldn't help laughing at some of Flynn's descriptions. Given that Flynn had once mentioned attack penguins before but seemed reluctant to tell the story at that point, Mathias wondered if perhaps there was some grain of an actual event in the graphically hilarious account.

"I still have those frost chimaera scale earrings!" Grixx said. "They're great in hot weather. Keep my ears comfortably chilled. Also, they work on beer!"

"And now," Noggenfogger said, "we have the Exchange of Technologies! Do you, Grixx Wheedleboil, vow to exchange technology with Relly Cogbinder, for the economic development of your limited corporation?"

"I do!" Grixx shouted, enthusiastic. She produced an item from a little table next to Noggenfogger. "Relly, sweetie, my darling, I got you this Weirdly Relevant Entropy Neutralizing Combat Helper! It slices! It dices! It juliennes! It contains several long-distance healing charges!" She pushed a button. There was a _pwit_ and something went flying out of the device, hitting Flynn square in the face with a _splap_ , knocking him onto his ass and wrapping his head in a bandage.

Flynn tugged the bandage off his face. "Watch where you aim that thing!" Mathias decided maybe this was a lot more fun than he'd expected.

"Because everyone needs extra heals in a fight," Grixx continued. "And best of all? You can use it as a wrench!"

Relly gasped and took the thing from Grixx with a delighted grin. "Pookie! It's beautiful!"

"Do you, Relly Cogbinder, vow to exchange technology with Grixx Wheedleboil, for the economic development of your limited corporation?"

"Indubitably!" Relly said. She took a little remote control from the table and turned it on, then started fiddling with the joystick. A little round bombling with flashing lights on it came skittering across the platform, running in circles around the couple. "I procured this glorious Multi-Use Bomb Detector for you! It also has an explosive function!"

"Oooh, sweetie, it explodes!" Grixx took the remote control and flipped the safety cover up. Mathias tensed and prepared to leap for cover. So did half the crowd.

"No, no -- don't push the button, pookie!" Relly said. "The explosive function only works once. I rather intended to save that for the devilsaur hunting trip." She closed the cover with one finger.

"Ohhh, right. Gotcha!" Grixx nodded. "We'll save the best part for later then."

"Superlative idea," Relly said.

"The time has come!" Noggenfogger announced. "The event many of you have been waiting for -- The Primo Smoocherino! Gals, have at it!"

The two of them threw their arms around each other and dove into an intense, theatrical kiss, that swiftly devolved into ass-groping and rolling around on the platform together. Thurin covered Billie's eyes until they finally gasped for breath and got back to their feet. The crowd roared their approval. Mathias found the whole thing quite heartening, and was genuinely starting to enjoy himself.

As he was basking in the glow of the whole thing, a balloon descended toward the stage. Noggenfogger gestured toward it. "Now the newly formed limited corporation will begin The Ascent! They will have the best seats in the house for the footbomb match!" As Noggenfogger talked, the balloon landed, and Grixx and Relly climbed into the basket below the bag. "The best bookies in Kalimdor have been engaged for this event. If you're not Official Friends of the Family or higher level tickets, you will need to purchase an additional ticket for the game! Tonight it's Goblins versus Gnomes! The bookies have already determined that the Gnomes, not knowing jack shit about footbomb, are going to lose, but they will be taking some serious bets on point spread!"

A cheer went up from the crowd as the balloon ascended. "Please proceed in an _orderly_ fashion to the footbomb field! Drinks and refreshments will be available at a reasonable price to all ticketholders!"

The families got up and started hurrying toward the footbomb field. Flynn bounced down from the platform to join Mathias as the Official Friends of the Family group started to follow them. "Mathias! You're shiny!"

Mathias wiped at the glitter on his face. "It wasn't my idea." Flynn kissed him anyway, and ended up with glitter in his own facial hair. Mathias brushed at it futilely, caressing Flynn's face with his fingers. "You're never going to get that out now."

"Who cares?" Flynn said. "It's a wedding! Let's go get our seats. I have to place a bet."

Flynn slipped an arm around Mathias's waist, thoroughly glittering himself in the process. Mathias sighed, resigned to being sparkly until he could get a shower and wash his clothes. They got into the bookie line so that Flynn could bet, then found their seats.

They sat together, arms over each other's shoulders, and Mathias leaned into Flynn. The whole experience was bizarre, but he was relaxing into it a little. "After the footbomb," Flynn said, "is the Feast and Disco Dance Party. There'll be a lot of drinking and dancing." He nuzzled Mathias's hair. "Would you dance with me?"

Mathias nuzzled back and kissed him. "Of course." Flynn loved to dance, and Mathias loved being close to him, so learning to dance was apparently now a thing in his life. He wasn't unhappy about this.

They watched as the balloon drifted over the footbomb field and Noggenfogger announced the beginning of the match. Mathias watched in astounded dread as the game began. Two teams faced each other across a wide field, everyone mounted in goblin shredders. Bombs were kicked across the field, and the shredders pursued them, trying to get them across the opposite team's goal post before the bombs exploded. The match took about an hour, and Mathias wasn't sure how the game was scored, but the carnage was stunning. Shredder parts littered the field. There were craters everywhere, and the crowd was cheering madly at every explosion. Flynn was thrilled because he'd apparently got the score dead on -- the gnomes only lost by two points, which was a complete upset, according to the bookies. Flynn walked away with nearly five hundred gold.

In a truly astonishing display of good sense, Flynn deposited most of it in the bank before they went to the Feast. "Wouldn't want to lose it," he said. "Come on, let's get some drinks."

The drinks were fruity and tropical and none of them contained Kaja'Cola, much to Mathias's relief. They were, however, significantly more powerful than the flavor led him to believe. He was a bit wobbly when he took his gift over to Grixx and Relly.

"I wasn't sure when I was supposed to give you this," he said, holding up the brightly wrapped present.

Grixx looked at him, puzzled. "You brought us a thing?"

"Thank you," Relly said, smiling, as she took the package. "It's a human tradition, pookie. Humans give you gifts when you get married."

Grixx blinked. "Wait. What? _You get gifts at human weddings?_ Why did nobody tell me you get gifts at human weddings? Why did we not have a human wedding? There could have been presents!"

"Because you insisted on a traditional goblin wedding," Relly said. "And you reminded me repeatedly that if we didn't incorporate, you'd never be able to get a share of the family inheritance."

"Oh. Right. There is that." She looked at the gift in Relly's hands. "What did he give us? Open it! Open it!"

They ripped the paper off together, exposing the book. Both of them stared at it, then looked up in stunned delight. " _Explosions and How to Make Them_ , where did you ever find a copy of this?" Grixx shouted.

Relly peeked inside. "It's a _first edition!_ "

The two of them pounced, hugging him fiercely. "You are a god among men!" Relly announced.

Mathias laughed and hugged them back. "I'm glad you liked it."

"We love it!" they both shouted. 

Mathias managed to extract himself from the screaming couple, and left them to their joyful celebration of potential munitions.

By the time the Disco Party started and the couple ascended in the balloon for their first night together, Mathias was well and truly trousered, and having a pretty spectacular time. Mathias rarely drank much but fruity drinks with umbrellas in them were apparently quite deadly, and the food wasn't bad, either. Fireworks exploded in the sky, and a couple of intact shredders were serving as the sound system for the dancing.

Flynn pulled him out onto the dance floor, and they danced until things got too fuzzy for Mathias to focus anymore.

***

Mathias woke the next morning somewhere far too bright, with a colossal hangover, something gritty in his mouth, Flynn passed out with his head pillowed on Mathias's ass, and some young goblin's hand in his pocket.

Sand. It was sand in his mouth. He grabbed the goblin's wrist and tried to spit the grit out of his teeth. "Stop right there," he rasped.

"Hey, let me go," the goblin said.

"You were picking my pocket!"

The goblin stared at him as though he'd grown another head. Flynn groaned and started to wake. " _Of course_ I'm picking your pocket. It's part of the morning after tradition. Most of the proceeds go to the happy couple."

"...Most?"

The goblin huffed. "What, you think we do this for free? There's a commission."

"Give him some gold," Flynn grumbled, rolling onto his side. 

Blinking, Mathias rustled in his pocket and gave the goblin a handful of gold. The goblin's head tilted and he stared at Mathias, who got the message and gave him another handful. "Thank you for your generous donation," the goblin said, nodding as he walked away.

"It's… urgh… training for the apprentice rogues, Mathias."

Mathias groaned. "Well, they're very bad at it. Why do I have sand in my mouth?"

Flynn squinted and looked around. "Because we passed out near the footbomb field."

"Oh. My head is killing me. I need coffee. How do you cope with this?"

Flynn groaned and flopped onto his back, his head still cushioned on Mathias's ass. "Noggenfogger makes a killing on Peacebloom Remedy."

Mathias gave up and dropped his face into the sand. "Are we done yet?" he moaned.

"Nope. Nope. There's the grand finale yet to go. The Breakfast Bash. Peacebloom. Fireworks and the Grand Finale."

"Explosions…" Mathias whimpered.

Flynn sighed and dragged himself to a sitting position. "Peacebloom, then greasy food. Bacon. It's good for your hangover."

Mathias's stomach wobbled.

Flynn staggered to his feet and offered Mathias a hand. He took it and Flynn helped haul him to his feet. The ground tilted and Flynn caught him in one strong arm. Mathias leaned for a minute. "You're still all glittery, love," Flynn said, smiling, even though he was obviously in pain. "Come on, off to Noggenfogger. We'll buy our Peacebloom Remedy and then we can have breakfast."

"Urgh… please. Don't mention breakfast."

Flynn nodded and dragged him along. "Okay, I won't until after you've chased away the hangover gremlins."

"There's no such thing," Mathias grumbled as he staggered along, one arm over Flynn's shoulder for support.

"I beg to differ. Hangover gremlins. Closely related to imps, but drunker."

Mathias moaned again.

Noggenfogger was doing a brisk business when they found him. He took one look at Mathias and snickered. "Shaw! You are a mess. You'll probably need at least three doses of the good stuff to knock that sucker out."

"Shut up and kill me now."

He snorted. "Nah, your boy there would take me apart."

"Dose him before he heaves on my boots again," Flynn said. "The cleaning bill's going to be nasty. These boots are fancy."

"I got somebody for that, too, Fairwind," Noggenfogger said. "Near the entrance to the Breakfast Bash tables."

"Oh, thank the Tidemother."

"Thank goblin ingenuity and our propensity to know where there's profit to be made."

Flynn shelled out what was probably vastly too much gold for the Peacebloom Remedy and poured four of them down Mathias's throat before he started feeling more like a human and less like a three-day dead mackerel.

"You better now, love?" Flynn asked. 

"I am less hungover. Nothing about this is qualitatively better," Mathias grumbled.

Flynn shook his head. "Oh, please, you're sounding considerably more coherent now."

"Bacon."

"Soon. Come on. Up." Flynn hoisted him upright again and, to Mathias's astonishment, he managed to stay that way without needing a Kul Tiran prop. Not that he minded leaning on Flynn. He hurt a lot less now, though.

They stopped outside the Breakfast Bash and Flynn got his boots cleaned up. "I'm really sorry about that, Flynn," Mathias said, embarrassed at his lack of control.

Flynn hugged him once he finished with the cleaning. "It happens. Trust me, I've had worse."

"I don't want to think about worse."

"Oh, Mathias, you are such a lightweight, but I love you."

They went to find their table, and found most of the crew already assembled. "Oh, laddies, you look rough," Thurin said. 

Mathias slumped onto one of the chairs. "Help. Please."

Thurin laughed. "I'll help you." He pointed at Flynn. "He has to suffer on his own."

"Hey!"

"You just take advantage, Flynn," Thurin snorted.

"I do not!"

Thurin wrapped his hands around Mathias's temples and blasted the hangover completely away with a warm flash of Light. "Oh, Light, thank you," Mathias sighed, suddenly feeling orders of magnitude better. 

He looked at himself, appalled. Sandy, glittery, unkempt, and unshaven; he was a disgrace. Flynn looked at him. "Oh, don't start thinking _now_ , Mathias. There's nothing wrong with you. It's the morning after the main attractions of a goblin wedding. The vast majority of the ticket holders are worse off than you right now. Just enjoy it."

"There is nothing about this to enjoy."

Flynn raised a sandy eyebrow at him. "Bacon."

Mathias blinked. "Bacon," he agreed.

Breakfast began, and Billie was nattering on about how fantastic everything was, how she loved all the fireworks and explosions and how she _really really really_ wanted to learn how to play footbomb. There was a resounding no vote on that motion from everyone in the crew.

Once breakfast was finished, Grixx and Relly were seen off in their Honeymoon Balloon to Un'goro Crater for a week of devilsaur hunting, as the Grand Finale fireworks went up all around them. They'd apparently both been wanting to go for ages, and Flynn was happy to let them have the time off. The fireworks lasted for well over twenty minutes. Mathias had to admit, it was an impressive display. 

As they made their way back to the _Arva_ , their arms around each other, Flynn said, "So, if we ever decided to get married…"

"No." Mathias said.

"Oh, come on, this was a blast!"

"No, Flynn. Just no."

"But… explosions!"

"No!"

Flynn sighed. "Well, you have to admit, it was an amazing party."

Mathias chuckled. "Okay. Yeah. It was."

*** 

Mathias's first daily report after his return was… interesting.

"Is that… _glitter_ in your eyebrows, Master Shaw?" Anduin asked.

"Oh, by the Light, I thought I'd got all of it out," Mathias grumbled. He buried his face in one hand.

Anduin tilted his head and gave him a curious look. "You were under orders to tell me all about it when you got back," he reminded him.

Mathias stood there blinking. He raised one finger and blinked some more. "Ah… you really kind of had to be there," he said.


End file.
